I Could Cope

Today, my 24 year old cousin passed away from a heart attack. I didn't spend too much time with him, but he was such a lovable guy. When I was a kid, I remember him being so nice to me. He was only six years older than me, he was like my first favorite big cousin. I know my mom was very fond of Chris. He was like her favorite little cousin. Like I said, I didn't spend too much time around the guy, but, from what I know, he was doing pretty good. I'm pretty sure he had a daughter. I spent more time with his younger siblings, and I know they have to be devastated. I know his mom is probably even worse. The last time I saw Chris was very brief, but he was still that cousin that I wanted to pay attention to me, to say something like "I remember when you were a baby," and hug me. That was probably a couple of years ago. And now he's gone. This is probably the second time someone in my family has died that I've been close enough to be really sad, the first being my great grandmother. I found out right before my first class today, so I've had to hold it together all day. As I'm writing this, I'm finally letting out what I've been holding in since about 11 something this morning. It hurts to know that someone that young that had things going for him and had people who loved the shit out of him had to pass away so early, and to think of how it hit so many people, and to think that maybe one day I'll be next or maybe his little brother or one of my other cousins. And to think I might have to go home on my birthday weekend for a funeral.

And what kinda upsets me is how I publicly announced that my cousin died, and the only person to say anything to me about it was someone I didn't even know. Am I being selfish for for wanting anyone that I want to care to step forward to show any sympathy? I mean, I'm not the type of person to walk up to someone or start a conversation like "hi, my cousin just died, say something nice to me." I feel like no one really pays that much attention when they should, or rather when I want them to. Either that, or I'm just surrounded by people that don't know how to say anything when I need them to. It's another case of how I always run to other people's rescue, but I usually have to fend for myself. The few times I do actually talk to people while I'm in my feelings, I get called overdramatic, or something's my fault, or the subject gets dropped awfully quick. I just don't know. Maybe Mr. Johnson really was right. For the rest of the day and, maybe, the rest of the weekend, I plan on keeping to myself. I don't really want to talk to anyone unless their offering some type of consolation.

I'm really not as moody as people think. I just don't say much. And I hold stuff in. So when I get upset, I don't want to say anything, because everything that builds up likes to rush out. And that's when the "overdramatics" start. I realize, you can't talk to everybody. I just don't really know who I can talk to sometimes. And sometimes, I don't want to always have to be the one to initiate the conversations. So, yes. I am in a bad mood. No, I'm not mad at anybody. But, if you really care, instead of brushing me off, be observant and try to figure out what the problem could be. That's it, that's all.

♥