First off, the new countdown works like this...: number of days until some people come visit (hopefully)/number of days until i head home.
Anywhoo.
It is currently 4:54 in the AM here in the lovely Columbia, Missouri. Why am I awake? Who knows... However, naturally, I have a lot on my mind. One question that I've been posing to myself, repeatedly, is "How much is too much?" which, in my case, means a lot... I didn't hear from That Guy all day yesterday, which was odd, because I usually hear from him every day, whether it be a phone call, a tweet, the rare occurrence of a text, or the newly added skype convo. :D I didn't get any of that, and I didn't quite know why. Now... I don't doubt that I'll just hear from him later today, but, nonetheless, I still felt pretty wack. I had stories and things I wanted to talk about, and, plus, I just really really miss the guy. *pout* It was just pretty strange that he hadn't tweeted or anything at all the whole day; the only sign that I had that he was alive today was a video from two of his friends from the Apple Store telling me he was getting his iPod fixed. I didn't know how to take his lack of presence in my day, but, apparently, I was pretty bummed. I had to be told, "Oh, you'll be fine without him for one day," which is ultimately true, but still. It sucked.
I guess my question is, was I doing too much? Aren't I entitled to a little pouting in cases such as this? I feel like I might have done a little excess pouting, but I still get to pout, right? Then it occurred to me that there might be a reason for my overall, everyday bummed-ness: I really, really miss having him around, like, all the time, and it might be making my life a big fat every day pout. I don't like it. I mean, I can deal, especially since he (usually) talks to me everyday, and I just count down the days until I get to see him again, but should I really be in this big of a funk because he's not here?
Like....there's missing people, like I miss my mom and brother, but I keep going on about my day, and call them from time to time and I'm all good. But, with him, it's weird. I guess it's something about spending a good majority of your time around a person practically every day, and then not seeing them for months that makes it weirder.
Can it be that absence really does make the heart grow fonder? Can it be that (dare I say it...) this is what [insert L-word here] is really like? Like, in real life? Cuz love is a scary bitch. I hate the word. I mean, I say it, because I feel it, but it'll always be kind of an iffy thing for me, because I'll always have this fear that the person on the receiving end of that scary bitch might not really feel the same way, no matter how much they claim they do. Like, what do we know about that stuff anyway? But anyway......I've heard, on more than one occasion, that I seem so much happier when I talk to him.
I guess what I'm really wondering is if I'm allowed to feel that way. Am I doing too much, or is all this pouty-ness totally justified?
[enter cheesy metaphor... -___-]
You can kinda look at that scary bitch like a pool. The water's always gonna be cold at first, and it's usually fine once you put yourself completely into it. But right now, I only have a leg in, because I'm too scared to be completely submerged. What if I don't get used to the water? What if it's really too cold? What if somebody peed in it? [I don't really know what that's supposed to signify, but it's still a scary thought getting into a pool...] It's like that. So I guess I just don't really know if I'm allowed to go to the deep end if I'm too afraid to get into the water at all. [ew, how do I come up with these things...]
Signing off.
Confused and in deep, deep admiration of a dweeb.
Tired as all hell.
But not falling asleep.
Signed,
The stressed out insomniac.
♥
